VOID
It’s 2:00 am in the morning. The busy and noisy city is quiet and sleeping now. No sound of traffic, no pollution, no business, just darkness. It’s like the end of the world but it’s not. For some people, it’s a peaceful night’s sleep, but for some, it’s like the end of the fking world.
Sorry, did I curse? Why am I saying bad words? I should stop thinking like this now. My apologies. Wait. what? Who am I apologizing for?
Anyway, In the darkness of the roads, in the distance I was walking alone to clear my head. I was feeling lonely. In my mind I was thinking “why am I feeling lonely? I have everyone. My family, friends, relatives.” But it wasn’t that easy to bond with them when you’re the only rational person in the family and sentimental, even in society. I was only thinking about her. She who got away. I was thinking about how I held her hand when we were walking together. Our moments together were heavenly. When I looked into her pretty eyes my heart melted like a piece of cake. We used to look each other in the eye and just stare. It’s like we are communicating telepathically. We didn’t need to talk much. We understood what we needed and we delivered with our heart. I remember one day we were traveling somewhere in a bus sitting together in the last corner. It was almost summer. The weather was good that day. It was our 3rd date. The first two dates I just stood in front of her and did nothing and talked a little. Because I was a little shy. And when it comes to talking to my crush it will be more nervous than my usual self. SO, this time when we were going somewhere in a bus together I wanted to hold her hand, but I was nervous and shy. “What if she refuses? What if she feels annoyed about it? While I’m overthinking this I realize that some of her hair was blowing in the air and crawling on my face. And I try to remove her hair with her and she noticed and looked at me and laughed. Her smile was so beautiful and it almost cured me as a medicine. Her smile and laugh is like a lost horizon. I keep getting into that. I tried to touch her face and kiss her on the forehead. But then I was snapped back into reality. I heard someone in the distance telling me where I was going at the graveyard in the middle of the night. I replied to the person “I am visiting an old friend.” Turns out it was the love of my life. She died 6 months ago in a car accident. I was standing in front of her grave holding some chrysanths flowers. They were her favorite. As I was standing in the dark dropping tears from my eyes and telling her with my sobbing voice while crying “ why did you leave me?, why did you leave me to die alone in the world? How can I find peace without you? Everywhere I go I can still feel your presence. It’s really hard to believe that you’re gone now. And I have to live with that. Can I even live with that feeling? We were so good, when you were near me, talked to me, made me laugh I didn’t feel alone. But now it feels like the whole universe is collapsing in me. You were so good that all of your friends and family were happy when you were around them. You were a positive energy for the world. You made that the earth and its creatures are not only for living and dying. But also make the earth beautiful like you. Your voice was so good that whenever I heard your voice I felt a heavenly vibe to be with you cause you were like an angel to me. Now I hope you become an angel to god, so heaven could be a good place too.
While I was saying these things in pain. I feel this loneliness without her is irreversible. I can’t control my emotions. I don’t even find any meaning in life without her. It was me who wanted to die in her laps. But she left me first and it was her cold body in my laps. Her hand was so cold when I was holding her hand in the hospital bed. She couldn’t move, she wasn’t talking to me. I was calling her name. Suddenly my life was flashing in my eyes, because the fear of abandonment, fear of losing someone is my biggest weakness. I got scared. I got weak. After that I realized that she’s no more. My eyes were slowly getting in tears. It wasn’t a truth I would believe. The hospital flat line machine beeps continuously and it didn’t stop. Her heart is not responding anymore. In my memory flashing I see our beautiful precious moments that we spend together. We laughed, we cried, we got angry, we fought, we walked, we hugged, we kissed, we did everything together, except we didn’t experience death together. She used to tell me how afraid she was about death. She was always afraid and worried about what would happen to her when she would die. And I used to tell her not to worry cause she’s not gonna die. Soon I will protect her. Now I am thinking about that promise. I couldn’t protect her. I was holding her cold dead body and sobbing and crying. My tears are dropping in her body and it feels I’m responsible for her death. I was the one who told her to keep her alive and I failed.
All of a sudden i hear a dog barking in the distance and i was taken back to the reality. It was all in my head imagining the memories of her. In reality people use to say when someone dies their loved one moved on in their life. But is it really that simple? Especially when you loved someone with everything you had? I wish it was that simple. It’s been 4 years that i lost her. Is it still feels like yesterday? A memory that becomes a nightmare for me. I wish it wasn’t that hard. But it’s the only memory i have a reason to live. I still goes back to the day we first met. I still remember her smile, her breathe, her touch, her smell, the way she used to talk to me, tell me stories. The way she used to look at me with those pretty eyes. How can I even forget her. I know that a memory don’t stay forever in someone’s brain. As people get older their memory slowly fade away. But i don’t want that. I want to remember her all my life. Till the last moment of my breathe. She used to ask me if she die one day what i will do? And i would tell her that i will honor her memories. I will achieve her dreams, her goals. The life she always wanted and i will go live that life. And i will always remember her in my house of memories.
So, as I was walking in the street in the middle of the night and thinking about her, I decided to leave all behind and honor her memory in my way.
I tried to kill myself in my head many times in the past 6 months and it never happened. Probably she doesn’t let me or didn’t want me to do it for her sake. It’s like she’s always with me talking inside my head like she’s so real.
I was almost there, the place that she liked the most. It was a beautiful field with some trees. And it was almost morning. The sun was rising up from the east and my nightmare was gone. I take a deep breath and enjoy the moment of the sunrise in her favorite place. So quiet, so peaceful, so dramatic.
The wind was blowing in my face and I am remembering our memories that we spent together all those times. I want to finally feel happy that I achieved what she wanted in her life. If she was here right now I would hug her and tell her “I did it”.
But there was still my dream to achieve what she always wanted me to achieve no matter what happens in my life. I felt empty inside after she left me. It created a hollow, a void inside my heart. It’s like floating in empty space in the dark. I gave up everything in life just to make her happy even after death. I couldn’t take the pain and suffering anymore. All i think about is joining her after my death if there is an afterlife.
So, I take the gun out from my pocket then point it to my head. It’s funny that I kept a handgun from a long time ago for self-defense. But I can’t remember if the gun has bullets or if it’s loaded or not. I just want the pain to end. Only death will now relieve me from this pain.
As I was holding the gun in my head I closed my eyes, trying to remember her memories one last time. And it was beautiful and also painful. Without thinking anything else anymore I immediately pulled the trigger.
Is it done? Is the pain and suffering gone? Did I die? Is it really over?
Is it the afterlife? To myself reality becomes an illusion. I can’t find myself in the light. I can’t find myself in the dark. I simply become a VOID.
